The Republican Coalition – the future of American politics?

3 Jan

In a theoretical parallel universe, two Republican politicians from opposing backgrounds make an unlikely partnership. Mick Romney, devoted Mormon and senior business consultant, and Ron Paul, manic libertarian who believes that government is essentially unnecessary, managed to supplant current President Obama. Having reached an electoral standoff in the race for the presidential position, they were forced to form a coalition Republican government. Romney is Commander-in-Chief with responsibility for the economy; Paul is in charge of attempting to demolish, or ‘downsize’ the rest of the government. They have just emerged from a three-day two-man meeting on their policy plans. Their blueprint, or manifesto for the future of the USA, is entitled ‘Less is more, except when it comes to defence spending. Our future lies in the military-industrial complexity.’

Advisor: ‘Don’t you mean military-industrial complex?’

Romney: ‘No, the word ‘complexity’ implies a new concept, without the negative connotations associated with what is commonly perceived to be a sinister conspiracy between the government and the Pentagon. We believe in working together to build a better tomorrow for all Americans except non-nationals, communists and queers. Amen.’

Ron Paul: ‘Anyway, back to the manifesto. We envisage a five-year planning scheme, whereby we de-nationalise all unnecessary government-run services and industries. The forestry commission, for example, are an unnecessary hindrance on the timber industry. People should be free to explore and make the most of all our natural resources. Similarly with endangered species – if they can’t survive off their own backs then clearly God did not mean them much longer for this earth. (Aside: right, that’s the cuddly animals out the way. Now for the easy bit.)

Healthcare in this country is a burden on the state. Why should the wealthy subsidise the sick?  Folks should learn to take responsibility for their wellbeing. You don’t want asbestos poisoning? Well, find a job in a factory that actually adhere to industry safety guidelines. You don’t want lung cancer? Quite hanging around people who smoke. You don’t want a heart condition that necessitates a coronary bypass? Well if you spent that long chowing down on steak sandwiches and blueberry pancakes, you can fork out for your own gosh-darn anti-platelet medication.’

Romney: ‘We believe in folks getting self-reliance. Besides which, government funding of pharmaceutical solutions detracts from the ability of the companies who manufacture them to sell them at a competitive price. State-sponsored health insurance plans undermine the thriving private insurance sector. We are simply restoring the element of free choice to the market. Competition can only enhance the quality of a commodity.’

Ron Paul: ‘You can’t put a price on health, but you can create an even playing field when supply and demand conspire to, you know, set the right price for you.’

Romney: ‘We believe in the force of the free market! God bless multiculturalism.’

Ron Paul: ‘And libertarianism. Amen.’

Romney: ‘The freedom to choose.’

Ron Paul: ‘And the freedom to choose not to care! Every man for himself – that’s the principle upon which this great nation was founded.’

Romney: ‘And so to education. We propose that state-funded schools and primaries simply encourage children to question and disrespect their elders. The Bible provides enough moral lessons; and, furthermore, much of modern science undermines the narrative of the Old Testament. Perhaps the world wasn’t created in seven days, but I do not believe we are descended from monkeys.’

Ron Paul: ‘Though a scientologist would tell you otherwise…Overall, we hold that too much freedom of thought undermines the foundation of society. It could lead to anarchy or, worse, socialism!’

Romney: ‘What about European ‘welfare capitalism?’ Look at what a state they’re in today. Why learn a foreign language? Everyone in America speaks English.’

Ron Paul: ‘To that end, we propose all non-religious schools be cut off from federal support, and put into the hands of local citizens’ councils. All the money saved through this measure would be channelled into sports scholarships and young cadets’ clubs, with small specialist schools provided for the gifted and talented – especially those with a gift for electronics or engineering.’

Romney: ‘Annual competitions would be held to locate the best inventors and entrepreneurs, as part of the scheme ‘They work for us (and in doing so work for themselves.)’ The prize would be a coveted government placement or contract.’

Ron Paul: ‘As regards defence policy, well, it would do what it said on the shiny reinforced steel box: the USA should not intervene in foreign affairs that are none of our business. Why should we feel an obligation to act as world policeman (and, come to mention it, financier and banker?) Let them sort out their own problems for a change.’

Romney: ‘So what if the Eurozone disintegrates? What backup currency would quadruple in value as a consequence? Where would they turn to for quality exports when their commercial policy is in ruins due to dearth of funding and investment? That’s right, the good old US greenback. As regards domestic economic policy…’

Ron Paul: ‘That’s still under discussion.’

Romney: ‘I actually have a rather detailed proposal.’

Ron Paul: ‘Less is more.’

Romney: ‘Yes, but I really believe it would be in our interests to provide a generous package of incentives and subsidies to key industries, not to mention the considerable adjustments needed in employment law.’

Ron Paul: ‘Quick, look over there, it’s Jesus… no, a sign, from God.’ (turns off Romney’s microphone) ‘We’re going to have to leave it there folks, the good Lord has indicated we have overrun our time. Besides, it’s time for lunch. Who’s up for pizza?’

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One Response to “The Republican Coalition – the future of American politics?”

  1. OS January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

    Haha, nicely done! I like the bit about endangered species!

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